Category Archives: Moore’s Ramblings

All the Best Elephant Jokes In the World!

My little brother is in Russia for two years. The only Russian word I know is Slon, which means Elephant. Every week when I write him I send him some Elephant jokes. I usually send 2 or 3.

I find the jokes on various websites, but only send him my favorites from each site.

If you have a family-friendly elephant joke you think I should hear, let me know in the comments and if it’s good, I’ll add it to the page!

If you don’t laugh at these jokes, you’re probably normal. Most elephant jokes aren’t very funny.

I’ll keep updating this page until he comes home in 2015 or until I run out of jokes.

The Best Elephant Jokes

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph

Q: How do you get an elephant up a tree?
A: Plant an acorn. Have the elephant stand on top of where you planted it. Wait 50 years.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look, a herd of elephants in the distance”

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn’t recognize them.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: “Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!”

Q. What is big, grey and has a lot of red bumps?
A. An elephant that was stung by a lot of bees!

Q. Why couldn’t the two elephants go swimming together?
A. Because they only had one pair of trunks!

Q. How do you know an elephant is under your blanket?
A. Because when you get in your bed your nose touches the ceiling.

Q. What do you get when an elephant sky dives?
A. A big hole.

Q. What’s big and grey with horns?
A. An elephant marching band!

Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stomp out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have large feet?
A. To stomp out flaming ducks!

Q. Why doesn’t the elephant use the computer?
A. Because it is afraid of the mouse!

Q. There were two elephants under one umbrella, why didn’t they get wet?
A. It wasn’t raining.

Q: Why do elephants need trunks?
A: Because they don’t have glove compartments.

Q: Why don’t more elephants go to college?
A: Not too many elephants finish high school. :-(

Q: What do you call elephants who ride on trains?
A: Passengers.

Q: What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?
A: A sheep.

Q: Where do baby elephants come from?
A: BIG storks.

Q. Why can’t an elephant ride a bicycle?
A. Because he doesn’t have thumbs to ring the bell.

Q. How do you stop an elephant from smelling?
A. Tie a knot in his trunk.

Q. What’s the same size and shape as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A. An elephant’s shadow.

Q: How is an elephant like an apricot?
A: They are both gray. Well, except the apricot.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
A: Open door; Remove elephant; Insert giraffe; Close door.

Q: What’s the difference between a dozen eggs and an elephant?
A: If you don’t know, I’m sure not going to send you to the store for a dozen eggs!

Q: How do you prevent an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from smelling?
A: Tie a knot in his trunk

Q: What is big, green, hangs in a tree and has a trunk?
A: An unripe elephant.

Q: How do you eat and elephant?
A: One bite at a time

Q. Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A. It was stapled to the first elephant.

Q. Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A. Peer pressure.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish?
A: Swimming Trunks!

Q: What is large, grey, and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Glove compartments aren’t nearly so stylish.

Q. How can you tell that elephants always ready for an adventure?
A. They’ve always got their trunks ready to go.

Q. What do you call en elephant with an extra long nose?
A. Smellephant.

Q. What’s green, wrinkly and has a long nose?
A. An elephant. I lied about the green part.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Great big holes all over Australia.

Two elephants – Harry & Faye
Couldn’t kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They’re now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.

Q: If you took away an elephants trunk how would it smell?
A: Trunk or no trunk it would still smell pretty bad!

Q: What weighs 5,000 lbs and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. So they can hide in a strawberry patch.

Q. Why do elephants hide in strawberry patches?
A. So they can jump out and stomp on people.

Q. Why do elephants stomp on people?
A. That is how they play squash.

Q: How do you get two elephants in a pickup truck?
A: One in the cab, one in the back.
Q: How do you get two mice in a pickup truck?
A: You can’t … it’s full of elephants.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant, Deadant, Deadant! (sung to Pink Panther tune).
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stomped on it and then said ‘Deadant, Deadant, Deadant!’.

Q: Why do elephants make bad missionaries?
A: They’re always trunky! (Someone is trunky if their trunk is packed and they’re just thinking about returning home).

Q: What’s red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
A: Campbell’s Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him ‘lunch’.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
A: Because of all the cheetahs!

Q: What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A: A smellyphant!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It’s bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
tons of bananas,…..

A Norwegian went on an elephant hunt, but had to quit when he developed a hernia from carrying the decoy.

Q: What game do you NOT want to play with an elephant?
A: Squash!

Q: What is the biggest ant in the world?
A: An elephant!

Q: What do you call an elephant covered in mud?
A: DIRTY!

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.
“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.

Q: Where are elephants found?
A: Elephants are so big they are hardly ever lost.

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant on your back during an hurricane?
A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
Q: What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth?
A: Stuck!

Q: Why do elephants live in the jungle?
A: Because they can’t fit in the house!

Q: What’s the difference between a mouse and an elephant?
A: About a ton!

Q: What’s gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
A: An elephant in a baggie

Q: Why don’t elephants ride buses during rush hour?
A: They’re afraid of pick-pockets

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends where you left them

Q: What did the elephant say when he got caught in the revolving door?
A: If this place wants to do much business with elephants they’ll need a bigger door!

Q: Why did the zookeeper refuse to work in the elephant enclosure?
A: Because the work kept piling up!

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Zoo Keeper:”I’ve lost one of my elephants”
Other Zoo Keeper:”Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
Zoo Keeper:”Don’t be silly, he can’t read!”
Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish ,clomp,clomp,clomp, swish..?
A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!

Q: What do you say when an elephant sneezes?
A: “Gezundheit.”

Q: Why do elephants travel in herds?
A: Because if they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.

Q: What’s convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?
A: An elephant six-pack.

Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
A: You can’t make a paper airplane out of an elephant.

Bonus!

One of my favorite videos!
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Posted in Humor, Moore's Ramblings | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Grandpa’s Tools

Grandpa could fix just about anything and had the tools to prove it. He had a large collection of tools for wood working, construction, electrical work, plumbing, masonry and more.

When he died I inherited some of his tools. Most of them live in my toolboxes in the garage, but these ones seemed old enough that I decided to make a display with them.

The display is hung above my computers in my office. The tools are all hung on pegboard just like my daily-use tools in the garage.

The tools are above my desk and computers
The tools are above my desk and computers

Roughly top to bottom, left to right:

A brace, a tape measure (inside the brace), monkey wrench, an awl, a folding ruler, a putty knife, a level, a ball-peen hammer, a pocket knife, book,  plumb bob, eggbeater drill, wire cutters, pipe wrench, needle nose pliers, screw driver, planer.

Some of grandpa's old tools
Some of grandpa's old tools

The book is The Complete Home Handyman’s Guide. I like it partly because it starts out with the very basics. Figure 1 is a diagram titled “Claw Hammer”.  Trying to imagine grandpa ever needing such basic instruction makes me smile. The book does get into all sorts of home repairs though and is actually still very applicable to the 1950s rambler I live in now.

IMG_The Complete Home Handyman's Guide
IMG_The Complete Home Handyman's Guide

Inside the cover is a short inscription showing that the book was given to grandpa by his father-in-law Walt Johnson.

 

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Why I Like Cooking Better than Baking

It was Caroline’s birthday this week, and I baked a boxed angel food cake. It reminded me once again that I don’t really like baking. The thing is, I love cooking. As I thought about this seemingly odd discrepancy more, I think I figured out why.

The Cooking Process

Cooking is an ongoing process. You can change directions mid-recipe pretty easily. You taste the sauce, add something else, brown the chicken a little more, decide to chop it up and use it as a salad instead. If you cook like me, you don’t even always have to know what you’re making when you start — just start cooking the core ingredient and add whatever spices and extras you find as you pillage the cupboards.

I might see a pork roast and some apples in the kitchen, and know that somewhere between the two lies a delicious roast. I’ll then go see what spices and sauces we have to make a glaze and just start mixing. I won’t know where I’m going with it, I’ll just keep tasting and adding things till I get there — and I almost always arrive somewhere acceptable, if not delicious.

Balking at Baking

With baking, you need to get everything together and correctly proportioned at the beginning. If you add too little salt or too much yeast, your bread isn’t going to turn out correctly. Baking requires planning and understanding of how yeast, flour, sugar and water interact in different proportions and what happens internally when the ingredients are left to rise, kneaded, baked quickly or slowly, etc.

The planning ahead requirement makes it so I can’t easily experiment and adjust as the baked good is forming.

A Sports Metaphor

If I had to make a sports metaphor, Baking is like bowling. You line everything up at the beginning, then let it go. Once it’s started, there’s no pulling back. Cooking is more like curling. You start in a direction, but along the way you can add and remove things to adjust your destination.

Now that I think I know why I don’t care much for baking, I’ll be watching for baking vs. cooking type feelings towards other activities in my life.

Posted in Moore's Ramblings, Something Interesting | Tagged , , | 3 Comments